Chain of Thoughts
by Miaki-sama
Summary: "It always seemed like this. They will never forget America but, they will always forget me." Canada's musings on why he doesn't like continuing his chain of thoughts.


_**A/N: Umm, so here is a fanfic I wrote two years ago. I was tempted to rewrite it but, it wouldn't feel the same if I do. So, here it is in all its glory! Second attempt at angst (if you've known me long enough, the first one is still in this site) and more character analysis than anything else to be honest.**_

_**Disclaimer: APH belongs to Hidekaz Himaruya and it will be always his. This site is about pre-existing content written by fans right?**__  
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Matthew Williams is Canada. He is a nation. He contributed a lot not only in the war but also in global affairs. Yet somehow, he was always forgotten by everyone. This never made him feel down. He was used to it. From the way his "parents" act towards him to, almost everything. He could have spent thousands of nights crying and asking them to say his name right. Of course, he didn't because, he followed the latter; he needed to be strong.

Normally, any other person (or nation for this matter) would have broken down if they were in my situation. How I was able to manage everything and be myself until now is still a mystery. I straighten myself up as I let go of my chain of thoughts. I never actually bothered to finish them. Not that I can't, I just didn't.

_'Besides, what's the point of finishing one?'_ I asked myself the same question. Nobody would notice me anyway. I know I'm jumping to the conclusions too early but hey, after living for how many years with this curse, who wouldn't do the same? Humans can change but we nations need our people to change. So, I should know that it will always be "America this and America that". Suddenly, a pang of jealousy and hatred overwhelmed me towards my brother. It was a natural feeling for me towards him. Besides, I couldn't help it. I always end up as his shadow somehow and I—

"I keep getting in a lot of trouble thanks to him…" I quietly muttered.

He was a coward and I would always end up as his shield. Sometimes, I would even dress up as him in some world conferences if he doesn't want to attend it. Why would I do that? I didn't. He forced me against my own will and I'd ended up doing it anyway because, what else can I even do?

Sometimes, I would also get into a lot of fights thanks to him. Since we look alike so much, unless you really do try hard to see the difference, most people would think I'm him. However, nobody seem to think that he is me… Thanks to that, I can't even go to the bathroom without a horde of nations after my back screaming "America!" all the way.

It always seemed like this. They will never forget America but, they will always forget me. Heck even Antarctica (who is not EVEN a country) is more popular than me. Strangely, I never seem to crack. Not even once under all this pressure.

Even when I try, they never bother to listen.

Even if I shout, it seems like a whisper to them.

Even if I pretend that nothing happened, it's an endless cycle full of misery.

Why can't I just stand up and hit America in the face already? Just to let everyone know who I am. Why can't people take me seriously? Why did all my efforts during World War Two ended up as British efforts? Why did I become independent in the first place if no one remembers I'm here?

I tried swallowing my self-pity as I approach nearer and nearer towards the world conference building. I straightened out my tie and began hurrying a bit inside the infrastructure. Next thing I know, I find myself in front of the door. Even out here, I can already hear other nations shouting at each other.

Slowly, I reached for the door knob. I took a second thought whether I should enter or not. I followed the latter and proceeded to enter anyway. With a heavy heart, I plastered on my usual smile and of course, the moment I stepped in the room, I was bombarded with questions and accusations –that I usually hear.

"America! You owe me money aru!"

"America-san, I do believe you still owe me something from our last project."

"Hey! You give me my border back!"

"So, you will become one with Russia?"

"America, you are already 30 minutes late. Please proceed with the meeting."

"I still have no idea how you got your independence."

All of these statements are ringing in my ears. Anger suddenly made its way to my veins.

"I'm not America…" I muttered in deep, quiet tone, almost in a whisper and with anger present in my voice. My head hung low with bitterness.

"What was that?"

"I think America is trying to say something."

"Well," a nation slapped my back playfully and painfully, "just say what you need to say. We haven't got all day."

"I—" I looked up to everyone present in the room as they too looked at me with innocent eyes. Funny thing, when I described what they look like back there, it seems as if they were little children asking for candy. Somehow, my anger slipped away and I was left at a confused state.

"I'll get to it soon." My mouth automatically moved with the words I hoped I wouldn't say again.

"Well, you better aru." But—

"I would wait for it then." Wait!—

"Just proceed already." I can't—

"You better be more responsible now…" I am trying too!—

"I'm glad you will do it so soon then." NO!—

"Well then, let's start the meeting!"

Is it really alright to do this? Should I really act like my own brother? Should I just go and be one with him as entire America? Will no one listen to what I am saying as Canada?

Maybe this is one of the reasons why I don't like continuing my chain of thoughts. It always ends up like this.

Why are they so insensitive? Why can't they see what I'm really doing? Why can't they all read through me? Why am I even doing this? What's the point of it? What benefit will I get from this? Why not just die?

But, we can't die. We are nations of the world. We disappear however, we don't die. Dying is easier than disappearing. When I disappear, there is still a possibility for me to live. When I die, I can't live anymore.

There were a lot of times wherein I would feel like crying.

There should have been countless of tears shed by me.

There were numerous of times that I just want to hit America.

There were countless of times that I end up disappointing myself.

Most of all, there were infinite times I'd wish they can see who I really am. Not just America or his brother but, my name, my nation name or any of the two really.

I started to discuss something about Global Warming and most of the nations didn't bother listening. Slowly, however, I noticed they began to look up and stare at me. This made me kind of happy. My voice didn't show it though. My voice is starting to crack and I began muffling while speaking. Soon enough, all of the nations stopped on whatever else they were doing previously and began to listen to me.

There, standing in front of the entire world, the nation of Canada was smiling oh, so sweetly at them as little droplets of hot tears made its way down the Canadian's cheek. Behind his glasses lay dark blue eyes that shine like the stars. Behind those hopeful eyes lay a broken nation who has a small dream that seemed like it was fulfilled to this moment.

"W-Why is America crying aru?"

"Man, he's such a baby."

"Well, he is America."

"I didn't raise him to be one though."

I hate this. I really do. I can't do anything about it but if I can, I would have.

Think what you want to think. It won't matter anyway. I'm still not America even if you think otherwise.

No matter how many tears I shed, how many wishes I wish and how many pleads I plea, you won't probably remember who I am.

However no matter how many times you call me America, no matter how many times they think I'm America, I will always be Canada.

I'm Canada and I will always be. Nothing and no one can't do anything about it.

Slowly, I took my glasses off and wiped some of the tears off. I put my glasses back on and stared at them.

_'They still think I'm America. I can't do anything about it now.'_

I finally decided to end my long chain of thoughts as I smiled at them once more as the tears continued to flow out of my eyes.

No wonder I never liked continuing my chain of thoughts.

* * *

**Small Omake:**

The meeting was a disaster, I'll tell you that. England just found out that I was, indeed, Canada and proceeded to scold America. France just let out a disappointed sigh at the two.

Me? I just walked around after the meeting, hoping that nobody can recognize me for once. A few seconds later, I bumped into Prussia.

"Hey, the awesome me does not appreciate tha—Canada?" Prussia looked at me, reconfirming his question with a toothy grin at me.

"Hey Prussia." I smiled at him. He seemed to be some of the few nations that actually remembered me.

"I heard what happened in the meeting." He became silent. I decided not to make any sound as well.

"You know Mattie, you're pretty lucky." He started off.

"You have a nice home. You don't need to worry about living because you have more than enough time on your hands. Even if they don't remember you, it's at your advantage. You can sneak up on them."

"How about you? Everyone practically knows you exist. You were a powerful nation. You had the entire world in your hands. Me? All my efforts ended up as someone else's." I closed my eyes for a bit. Slowly, I looked at my partner's side. I observed his actions for a while. At first I found no oddities in them but…

"Not everyone Mattie. While you can live longer, I have stay in my bruder's basement. You may not notice it as much but, I'm slowly disappearing Mattie."

I was left at a shock there. Nations disappear when their people no longer acknowledge them as a nation. Does that mean I'll also…?

"No Mattie. You won't disappear. Just remember this; Be happy that you are actually blessed with a lot of awesome things. While you are still a nation, yourself, I'm not anymore. I'm actually jealous of you." Prussia smiled bitterly as he stared at the sky.

"You know, I never liked thinking of me disappearing. I always thought that I will never disappear. However, I need to accept it fully. But, that doesn't mean I won't try to find some solutions to this problem of mine." He smiled playfully, like the usual Prussia I know.

_'In the end, my problem seemed so small compared to his.'_ I thought.

"Well, nice talking to you Mattie." Prussia waved as he began to walk away.

"Oh and by the way, there's nothing wrong with continuing your chain of thoughts. Sometimes, it helps you with these kinds of things." And he walked off.

_'Thanks Gilbert.'_ With one last look at his back, I went back to my apartment.

_"I'm glad I could help, Mattie."_


End file.
